it will never end

Its so cold outside, but its colder inside of me...
I am still calculating, i am still praying, i am still convincing myself that everything will be fine soon, but will it be fine after all?
I wish i can find a stranger to pour out everything, just to make myself feel better, to lessen my guilt and the emptiness inside me. I just need ears to listen to me, not some words of comforting or making fun of me,is it too hard to ask for???

On the other side,i pray to God that you will be okay, you will be happy, let me carry all these sadness but leave you with only happiness.

Maybe after what i have done, the guilt will stay there forever...

Empty

Listening to this song, and i just realised how i feel recently. It has been five days, and i didnt even cry. I still carry on with my routine, hanging out with friends, online, watching drama series, eating, sleeping... I thought i didnt get affected by it,as this is the decision i made. When going around with friends, i am still me, laughing, doing some stupid stuffs, and i thought i enjoyed it. Many friends said i am too cool for it, doesnt look like what i am supposed to be. Well, i am wondering what should be my response??? EMO whole week, lock myself inside my room? OFF my phone and let nobody to find me?

I didnt even cry,i tried to but there is no tears coming out. I dunno how i feel.
SAD? NO!
DEPRESS? NO!
HAPPY? WTH,YOU STUPID BASTARD! 

Finally i came out with my feeling. EMPTY
yeah, i feel emptiness inside, i feel nothing else except empty...
its like my soul missing something...something that i handed it away myself,and it's a punishment for me now,after i have done this, after i have made the tough decision to give up.
i have been struggling, because i know once i let go it will never come back. BUT how can i be so selfish when i know i am not capable of carrying this responsibility and losing my faith at the same time.
I just wanna stop myself from hurting someone further, before it is far too late, and what i did is hurting her now. I hate myself for doing this, but i know this is the correct decision to make, and i will hate myself more if i dont have the courage to do that!

I pray to GOD that she will be alright very soon, i pray to HIM to take away her sadness and put it on me,i can handle it, as i am empty inside now. I hate emptiness, the feeling of lacking the very precious piece of my soul...

I feel nothing but emptiness....

Silence

I have being silent for so long....
Well, i am totally not okay, but i have to tell people i am, because they will never understand how NOT OKAY i am!
What should i do, when everything comes to the end, i hope it just ends up as a total silence....
I do hope time can be reversed when i have the chance to make everything right,but is it too late to correct my mistake now?
GOD,if you really exists, tell me why i have to face this???
I am still waiting for HIS response, but what i get is still a total silence...

Being 19

The AGE of 19, it really means a lot to me. I have gone through a lot of things,some big some small, and they all built up the "ME" today.

During A-level,i really had many sweet memories with pals,and sometimes i thought i really cant survive without their company in KTT. We always did crazy stuff,especially with my housemates. Still cant forget the moments we were so scared of big moth and having a big war with it,and almost killed it with a broom. We decorated our apartment like haunted house just to scare each other during exam week. We are so tensed of the A-level exam that we did a MV with the song "PARTY ROCK ANTHEM." We played around with FEBREZE and at last keep on coughing and laughing. I was forced to stay awake just to play poker cards with my LOVELY housemates. There were some night where we went to mini mart to buy ice-cream, and walked around in the middle of the night. The 1.5 years staying in 11.1.A3,the 1.5 years i had been surrounded by laughter, craziness, computer sounds especially LEFT 4 DEAD and COUNTER STRIKE,and no forget A LOT, A LOT, AND A LOT of dirty words.HAHA. But i just like it,like being together with you all, Jeremy,Vince and Kennenth. You all have cheered me up in this 1.5 years even though i was stuck in such a sucking place. Three of you had made it a heaven for me,which is full of mixture of join,happiness,tear and unforgettable memoriesssss...

But thing changed during KI. We were no longer in the same apartment, as we were moved into a house,which consists of 11 people,so bad that Kennenth no longer staying with us. And as i expected, too many people staying under the same roof isnt that easy,as conflicts can be ignited just before you are able to realize whats really happened. I dont understand why some people just cant pay a little respect to others,seeing others mistakes but not theirs,and sometimes lacking of tolerance in the house. I changed. I dunno since when and why. I just changed following my heart. I think i was more independent that time,no longer obsessed with friendship which i used to be,no longer care much about what people think of me because there was once i tried to change myself just to mix with my friend but it ended up i lost myself,who i really was. I like walking alone at the night,especially around 1am as all my housemates were so busy playing dota. During that 3 months, i became emotional,and sometimes cant control my emotion, or i should said i purposely let my anger to explode, because i couldnt stand on people keep on bullying me!!! I have been nice to people but some of them just take if for granted and i dont care at all now. Why i have to treat you all so nicely when you all just throw it away like rubbish! Why i have to forced myself to show you all the smiling face even though my heart is bleeding!

Well,all passed and luckily i am still survive. In less than 3 months i am going to study in India. Actually i am OK with my placement to Davangere,as JJM isnt that bad after all,just that i have to cope with the stress there. Getting to know many of my friends who are close to me are going there,i am relieved. At least i dont need to face all these alone. And the most important thing right now is appreciate every moments with my family, and cherish moments with my secondary school friends who always are the best part of my memories.

Being 19, i have grown up a lot! Still have to keep on running before i turn 20,and i really hope the path is smooth and full of fun...

love DAD and MOM

Sorry dad and mom, i have no mean to be angry....
i dunno why i just can't be patient enough to listen to your advice,although i understand it's for my own good.
recently,i just cannot control my emotion and sometimes will get my voice a bit louder and rude,really sorry for that dad and mom....
i am such a bad son,but both of you make a perfect parents....
love you,dad and mom,forgive all my mistakes....
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY <3

Melancholia

I am sorry, for everything i have done. Sometimes we are just rashly making decision without thinking about the consequences and ramifications. I admit it's my fault...
hope everything will be alright and GOD bless...

友

身边往往会有一些很要好的朋友。一块儿疯狂、一块儿聊天、一块儿留下一次又一次的美好回忆，但有哪一次是有难同当的？
朋友有难，总会尽我所能帮忙，因为我知道当我有难时也很希望有人愿意出来扶我一把，但是当你真的面对窘境是，有哪个愿意站出来替你解忧？
朋友就有如行走在沙滩上的人们，有些踩的深、有些踩的浅，但是否有经得起海浪冲洗的足迹？
感慨的同时，依然庆幸一些知己是靠得住的，谢谢你 =）
而对于那些不懂得珍惜的朋友，感谢你们让我了解何谓知己=）